We don't parent in our own strength

In my head I have this picture of what the ideal parent looks like but in reality my parenting...

In my head I have this picture of what the ideal parent looks like but in reality my parenting falls far short from that image. I need help. I’m sure you do too. Thankfully, there’s hope to be found in the story of Leah.

Picture Perfect Parenting

In our house we have a beautiful photograph on the wall of our family in the snow. We are all smiling at the camera with the snow in the background. Snow is not a common occurrence for us, so it was an exciting moment that we had to document. Looking at the picture, you would be led to believe that we had a joyous morning playing in the snow. What you do not see in that picture is what happened afterwards.

To give you a hint, it went something like this:  It’s too cold… The snow is making me wet… I want to go home… He threw snow at me and it went down my jacket… why didn’t you bring anything to eat…I want to save snow and take it home for granny (loud crying)…why is my special granny snow melting. I think you get the idea!

Parenting In The Trenches

If you look at that photo on my wall, you could easily mistake me for a parent a lot closer to perfection than I actually am. But as parents we know that the photos on the wall don’t come close to describing what real life in the trenches is like.

Real parenting doesn’t happen in a smiling moment on camera, real parenting happens in the moments in-between.

Some days can feel pretty close to picture perfect. Moments like sticky cuddles, funny stories and tickle fights.

Some days, you lose your temper at the slightest thing. Someone is crying because they no longer eat mince, which was their favourite last week, and a school project is due in the morning which your child forgot about until 5 minutes before bedtime.

Parenting is not an easy task. 

So often as parents, we look to the photos on our walls (and on other people’s walls) and think that our lives should mirror what we see in the pictures. It is so easy to begin to believe that a smiling photo encapsulates what somebody else’s life is like and, in turn, what our lives should be like.

But if your family is anything like mine, your lives do not look anything like the pictures on the walls.   

Hope For Broken People

The reality is that we are not perfect people. Instead, we are broken and fallen people who make mistakes. Sometimes we get angry when we shouldn’t. Sometimes our children are frustrating beyond what we can tolerate and sometimes we make the wrong decisions which impact on them.

Often our parenting is just so far away from picture perfect. 

One of the places of the greatest hope for my life is found in the genealogy of Jesus recorded in Matthew’s first chapter. This list is not full of smiling happy families. It is a list of scandals, betrayals and sin. It is a list of broken, imperfect people. People like Judah and his mother Leah.

The Story Of Leah

When I feel that I am failing at parenting, I take comfort in the story of Judah and his mother Leah. If you’re looking for a picture of perfection, you won’t find it here. Leah spent her life trying to earn the love and affection of her husband who was in love with her sister. She believed that the best way to do this was to bare Jacob a son. After the first born son she says “Surely my husband will love me now” (Genesis 29:32). She keeps trying with further sons until “Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons” (Genesis 29:34).

Leah, who longs for love from her husband, believes that baring him sons will coax his affections. Three sons later and she’s still waiting, hoping for him to love her. When Leah looks at her sister Rachel all she can see is the picture on the wall of the life her sister leads, and she wants that for herself.

The Beauty Of Surrender

But something profound happens with the birth of Leah’s 4th son. The author of Genesis writes: “She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “This time I will praise the Lord.” So she named him Judah” (Genesis 29:35). After 3 sons Leah realises that nothing is going to win her husband’s affections. In the brokenness of this moment, she turns her eyes towards heaven and surrenders to God saying “This time I will praise the Lord.”

It is when she has nothing left to give that she discovers that this is where God begins. 

Whatever their pictures on the wall say, there are no perfect families and definitely no perfect parents. If God had waited around for a perfect family line to parent His son, we’d still be waiting. Your family is not perfect and neither is mine. I’m sure even Mary got frustrated with 2 year old Jesus more than once “Ok, who keeps turning my wine into water?”  But despite our mistakes, God’s promise has always been that He can make the most beautiful things out of our brokenness when we trust in His plan above our own.

God Is Always Present And Always Working

I can imagine that at her worst Leah must have felt lonely and abandoned by God. And yet at every step God was ever present in her life and the lives of her sons. Whatever the circumstances in your family, God is always present and always working. I love how it is when she has given up all hope and surrendered completely to God that it is then that we can see God’s power at work. No part of Leah could ever have imagined the plan God had for Judah.

And yet it was through a damaged and dysfunctional family that God was able to build His kingdom.

Whatever the circumstances or wrong turns we have made, God is still able to bring about His plans and purpose for our children and families. A plan that is far greater than we could ever imagine. If God can bring our Saviour into the world through a family tree of scandals, imperfection, adultery and sin, imagine what he could do with yours.

Your role as a parent is not to have it all together but simply to trust in Him.

Not In My Strength

In 2 Corinthians 12:9 God says to Paul,

“My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.”

Whenever I find myself falling short of the level of parenting I think I should be achieving, I return to this verse. And it happens often because my failures are many. I make the wrong decisions. I lose my temper when I shouldn’t. Some days I put my work before my kids and I frequently burn supper. But through my shortcomings, God has been so faithful. It is through those shortcomings that I have learnt that God’s grace is all I need. I have learnt that God’s grace covers far more than I could ever imagine. And I have learnt that I do not need to parent in my own strength, but rather in the strength of the One who created my children and loves them far more than I can.    

Smiling photos on a wall might look perfect, but the reality is far from it. An image doesn’t make a perfect family. A parent who thinks they are perfect, does not make a perfect family.

A perfect family comes through the beauty of brokenness and a trust in the One who is perfect.

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Author: Debs Ducasse
Debs was involved in youth ministry and local preaching in the Methodist Church for many years until the busyness of family life took priority. She is a wife to Ross and a mother of two. Debs is a Data Analyst based in Pietermaritburg and in her spare time she enjoys reading historical fiction, doing puzzles and drinking far too much tea.
Published: 21 June 2022
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